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To my brothers.

Dear asshat #1.

I never knew you too well. By the time i was 7 you were moved out and on your own already doing...whatever you wanted to,basically. And surprise surprise it came back to bite you in the ass. And now your dead. Congrats, fuckhead. You completely devastated mom. Every day she thinks about you, without fail, she walks past that stupid picture of you in the living room and kisses her fingers and touches the frame. How do you have that little respect for her? She busted her ass for you, and you repaid her by diving headfirst into the drug world, She did everything she could for you. For the three of us, really. And you fucked it up. And because you fucked it up, Trent fucked it up. But iapos;m not like Trent, and iapos;m not fucking stupid. And i refuse to go down that road. So congratulations, you fucked up my life by fucking up your own. Now i get to live with a manic depressive mother and take care of her before sheapos;s even 50.


Dear asshat #2.

I knew you all too well. I looked up to you, everything you did i mimicked. You were god in my eyes growing up. I wanted to be exactly like you. I begged you for months to cut my hair into a mohawk like yours. You brought me everywhere with you, let me hang out with your friends and never acted inconvienenced by me. I knew enough to know Ozzy was a lost cause, and i knew enough to know that you were better than that. I knew how good you did in school and you led by example.� You did well and because i wanted to be like you, i did well. Then Ozzy died and, i guess it hit you pretty hard. It didnt hit me that hard. The only time i ever talked to Ozzy was when i was calling him a dickweed for calling me a turd. I guess you guys had a pretty decent bond though. Coulda fooled me, after thanksgiving 05apos;. In any event you fucked it all up anyway. You knew how he died, you knew exactly, how, he died, and YOU FUCKING DID IT TOO. What the hell went through your head that made that a good idea??? "My brother just died from injecting himself with enough heroine to kill a bull elephant, hmm. What can i do to make myself feel better. I KNOW. HERIONE." WTF were you THINKING? You were the smartest person i knew and man...you did some REALLY STUPID SHIT.

So all in all, wherever you two are, iapos;d like to say, fuck you, fuck your shit, itapos;s your fault mom is the way she is, itapos;s your fault i cant go to college and instead have to work full time to pay for the house and the bills and the food and momapos;s meds. Itapos;s your fault i cant do what normal people my age are doing, and itapos;s your fault my life fucking sucks right now.

But you know what, itapos;s fine. Because i have Samantha. Sheapos;s means more to me than either of you would have ever known, and sheapos;s all i need.

Idk what i was trying to do by writing this but i think it worked. I feel better.

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Xanax + a metric f*ckton of novocaine + vicodin makes dentist appts seem less unbearable. The lower half of my face from ear to ear is completely numb right now, but I can feel the novocaine wearing off and the dull ache starting to poke through. Time for a pill soon.

But hey Crown 1 is finished. Crown 2 is prepped and awaiting its permanent. 2 more fillings filled.

Only thing left is the 2 extractions. Bye bye wisdom teeth.


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So this is my last week of AMT and I can say Iapos;m VERY relieved to be getting out of that place.. Iapos;ve definitely come to the assumption I donapos;t have the patience nor the passion to stick with this Theatre.. Working their 6-10 years just to get an assistance position in the design department would probably have me hanging myself before Iapos;d even get there. Possibly itapos;s just that AMT is the shittiest Theatre experience Iapos;ve ever had the displeasure of.. The people Iapos;ve met have been great though and that Iapos;m happy for but the work.. No.. I learned next to nothing I didnapos;t already know so it feels like a waste of time other then getting some decent resume fodder, maybe Iapos;m short sighted but there is no point in staying if I get no pleasure from doing it.

The title of this entry.. Well my last week has been their hell week since itapos;s a really rushed changeover to get their Christmas Show up (which ironically is the only show other then roadshows that makes this place ANY money.. How sad is that?). Last night I was there till 3am putting together musty (possibly previous homes to rats too) old fake christmas trees (these things smell like REALLY bad B.O. By the way...). Oh joy, I get to work that graveyard shift again tonite.. Then the next night, the fun it cannot be measured :).

Iapos;ve also done some thinking about what I want to do now.. First I was thinking Game Design (which I still am interested in) but the title is misleading, itapos;s more Game Development since itapos;s basically a specialized form of software engineering. What I am more interested in is the Game Art, so I may just go back to my original plan and take that animation program at The Art Institute in York.. With that I could even do movies in addition to game design.

I have another date with Tessa this weekend so I get an exciting end to a rather tedious week :)
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Good news. Iapos;ve finally moved on from my 1994 Chevy Cavalier. Soon I will have a new apprentice. One far younger and more powerful. Please excuse the Episode III reference. Anyway, my new car is a 1999 Honda Civic. Only 71,000 miles and with WORKING A/C.

For a brief moment, I considered getting Dubs for the thing. This is only my second car, and the first one that actually is worth maintaining. Unfortunately, the price for partying like a rock star is a bit too steep for the average person. Itapos;s over $3,000 for a set of 20-inch rims, which is almost half of what I paid for the car itself.

Guess that means I wonapos;t be able to put a glass tank with a shark in the back seat, either. Damn you, Wyclef Always having to one-up me. Maybe itapos;s because we have the same birthday.

Speaking of which, Iapos;ll be 30-1 tomorrow. Scary times, indeed. Too bad I canapos;t say the same for Silent Hill: Homecoming. Itapos;s decent enough, but the reviews out there have summed it up nicely. It feels like a cover band playing all of Silent Hillapos;s greatest hits. If you were on the fence about this one, Iapos;d say itapos;s worth a rental. Only die-hard SH fans should consider purchasing this game.

And thatapos;s the end of that chapter.

(Did I mention that Paramore fucking sucks?)

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So here I sit in the world that once used to look golden. (before you become worried everything with my man is fine it always is he is amazing).. So someone stole all my money from my bank accounts thank goodness they couldnapos;t get to my LOC. Somehow my world is turning to shit this week... In the busiest month of the year I have to be racked over the coals with what I like to call Super SHIT

Not only am I busy but things are disasterous It makes you really appreciate and long for the good times the better times the times that should be yours.

I am also experiencing health problems.. Nothing serious but it feels awful and it kind of scares me cause I have so little time left here and I want to make time to take care of myself but I canapos;t.

GRR~

frustratingly your humble whipping girl
kc

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